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Jasmine is an awful swimmer. I’m paranoid the Dog Whisperer is going to ask me to send her across the river to defend my honor, so we’ve been practicing just in case. Jasmine uses her snout as a snorkel while she drags her body through the water like a grand piano is lassoed to her back. Watching her flounder reminds me of when I had to swim butterfly at Nationals. I didn’t win that race if you’re wondering.

But since the Dog Whisperer told me to reward her for good behavior, I tell her she’s doing awesome anyway.

I can honestly relate to you parents who tell your daughters they’re amazing singers when they’re actually tone deaf…and then they miraculously gain all this confidence to perform in the talent show only to be bullied for the rest of their teen lives. That’s me and Jazz. I used to believe I didn’t care what people thought about me—and to an extent I don’t—but I desperately want people to think Jasmine is a rockstar. I’ve invested my heart and soul into her progress, so a compliment past her good looks would be awesome.

While our synchronized swimming performances are utter flops, this weekend’s protection class was much better! Jazz is making rapid progress, and every week she’s learning new things at the hand of the Dog Whisperer. Today the DW discussed legal stuff and gave us handouts. I brought my calculator with me because I’m cool. It was unnecessary, I know, but I don’t go anywhere without it. I often misplace my phone and when I feel that familiar urge to avoid conversation, it’s easy to just whip out my calculator like, “Sorry, I have to take this call.”

We did individual obedience first. As promised, I didn’t hide massive amounts of meat chunks in my clothes to tempt Jasmine to come to me—I’m so over wearing Eau de Prime Rib. Instead, I held the delicious morsels out in front of me so she could see them. While having food helped with her focus this week, she was off in La La Land during her long down. While all the other canines fled to their handlers when called, she was practically asleep.

The DW stifled the urge to come over and tell me what to do, I just know it. He probably would have gotten Jasmine to trot toward me in a handstand, but I’m grateful that he left me alone in my misery. I wasn’t in the mood for his expertise and constructive criticism. Instead, it’s as if he read my mind and he temporarily stood back (probably to give me a second to control my temper). But hey, Jasmine made eye contact with me and she sure did look pretty doing it! Woman Cartwheeling on Google Android 9.0 This is huge progress!

When she finally decided to get off her grassy throne, she ignored her little tug toy that’s *supposed* to be her reward. DeeDub told me not to worry that Jasmine isn’t very interested in the tug since she’s targeting the sleeve well. I’m really happy he said that because I’ve been having serious anxiety over it, and my morning meditations revolve around choking the need to convert all my tug toys into little voodoo dolls.

During group obedience, all of the dogs did fantastic. Walking normally was my biggest struggle. Jasmine and I can’t walk in a straight line, but can anyone? Thirty paces is just too much to ask of us especially since last week I discovered I am incapable of making proper right and left turns.

Obedience work couldn’t have ended fast enough. Jasmine was close to falling asleep, and my little midget legs were getting tired. I walked 4,341 steps this last class, btw. So call me a wimp all you want, but that’s practically a marathon in my opinion.

Jazz loves being tied up to trees (as pictured below). And, of course, she doesn’t like when I step over her, but the DW can do whatever the heck he wants. 🙄 To her, he’s freaking Tarzan about to rescue her from that vicious tree.

 

 

She did so well today! I’m proud of my girl. After a few rounds of “Tarzan saves Jane” we worked on Jasmine defending me while an attacker is running away.

 

 

And finally, we did roleplay and practiced handler protection. I played the victim, and I am very proud of this moment in particular. I was enthusiastic. I entered stage right like a professional ready to break out into song. I was in my element, friends. I really should have scratched my dreams of being a structural engineer to become an act-o-o-or. 🎭 The theatre is my true calling.

In all seriousness, it’s hard watching this video back because I’m literally just repeating what DW says. Me and acting is directly proportionate to Jazz and swimming. We are practically conjoined twins and share awkwardness. Enjoy as the DW reads me my lines and I simply regurgitate them. Go me.

But really. I was born for the theatre.

 

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